The Inch Worm

Downsizing of Dreams

My life moves ahead in Fits and Starts 

I am the Inch Worm

  Folding in half for each step ahead

    Vulnerable, easily squished

      But I am not the Inch Worm

        Because I have Skin

          A backbone that aches

            Pain lets me know

              That I am alive

                I taste Joy in this

                  Velvet Morning

                    Pink Skies give Way

                      To a Brand New Day

                        To Inch Ahead.

-crop-127-140-127px-Take-Care-of-Inchworms-Step-1-Version-2

Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.

Vaclav Havel-Czech Playwright and President

Deadheading

The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience.
Emily Dickinson

Deadheading begins with the head?
Earl Grey tea warms as I sit cozy on my balcony, Sarah Ban Breathnach’s book,IMG_5586 Simple Abundance, invigorates as hardy petunia’s smile at me, potted in shades of purple, pink, and white. I reach out to pick off the done blossoms. Sarah writes about her search for wholeness in the everyday epiphanies, the mystical in the mundane. This day she speaks of changing our clothes, our style, in order to keep the creativity alive. Not that out of date clothes are the factor, but the idea to allow the inner authentic self, to be expressed. Letting the inner child out is not a new concept, but is shed like a garment outgrown, in my need to be responsible, frugal, productive. A continuous mini-war goes on inside my head, how much I do for my own self nurturing … versus the belief that it is selfish to do so. “Selfish” is a very bad word in religious circles, it carries heavy judgment … But its judgement has come into question for me.
Many times I quote a favourite fridge magnet—Take my Advice I’m not Using It … at times it comes back to bite me. I do recognize the importance of others taking care of themselves, while hesitant to apply that to myself for fear of being “selfish.” It has been a continual balancing act … lately I’ve come to think of it less in terms of a rigid balance scale, and more as an ever moving line, a wave, a slow dance that responds to the music of life. Why am I trying to contain myself when I see all around me evidence that the creator is abundantly lavish in creativity, in beauty, in breaking His own rules.
The dried blossoms drop to the floor, are picked up by the wind, and carried away.

I see beauty and music as universal soul therapists. Fifty shades of sunsets clamour for attention. A week ago my sister came to visit; as I saw the sky IMG_6065change colours I said “We need to go right now!” After a quick drive to a higher ridge, we inhaled the the majestic mountain background, with ominous thunderheads to the south, a phenomenal lightning show, ecstatic, electric beauty that was available for all to see, but we were alone in the viewing.
Sometimes we need to go now, or we miss the moment.

Last weekend, sisters joined under and over the rain tarp as showers and sunshine competed, in a Rocky Mountain setting, while the Canmore Folk Festival provided music to set toes a tapping, and bodies swaying. It was a deadheading of the soul.
Words sung by Blues singer Guy Davis still ring in my ears “Had my old shoes on, got new shoes now, had my old clothes on, I got new clothes now and I feel like dancing.” The power house lines for me: Was thinking my old thoughts, well I’m thinking some new thoughts now, and I feel like dancing.”
Warning—Deadheading leads to dancing.

IMG_9987

Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever.
Isak Dinesen

The Waiting Place

Sometimes-I-feel-like-Im-waiting-for-somethingThe Waiting Place

According to Dr Seuss, it is a most useless place … the waiting place where people are just waiting.”

The place where plea bargains happen, oaths to the Creator made, and life priorities re-evaluated.
But when your back is up against the wall, desperately wanting an outcome …
The messages kept coming back as prayer requests …
Mom’s not well, she’s being admitted.
It looks like endocarditis
(an infection of the heart’s inner lining)
Antibiotics not effective …
Medivac’d in the night to a bigger cardiology centre

(They are all displaced-this is not even their home province)
Surgery scheduled, cancelled, then rescheduled
Twelve hours in surgery …
Bleeding, she had to go back to OR …

With those texts as background, I picked up a book … Moving the Hand of IMG_2878God, by John Avanzini(1990). The book disappoints, and I argue my way through the introduction, I don’t see God as Formulaic, as one who cannot see through this as attempted manipulation.
My friend’s life hangs in the balance. She is younger than I, she may not know she is in the waiting place … where is one’s spirit when drugs render unconsciousness? Her family gathered are also in that waiting place. Waiting for good news, waiting for improvement …. waiting for the rain to stop.

The sign should read: WELCOME TO THE WAITING ROOM…
Waiting feels helpless, we are geared to do something.
Pause, Breathe …
When Life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: Wait for hope to appear.
Lamentations 3:28, 29. But how does one wait with hope?

Can I Trust You?
Dear God
I woke with knots in my stomach … so many questions whirling my head …IMG_0001
can I trust You with the knots?
Heavy heart as her life hangs in the balance … machines breathe for her
Can I trust you with that?
Life not being what I or they thought it should be or would be…..
Can I trust you with the future?
Despair and doubt want to hinder any Bold prayer
Can I trust you with that?
Even as I speak these words I KNOW without a doubt, I have no one else that I could trust these things to, so why do I hold back?
Can I trust you with that?

And your answer is a Resounding—YES YES YES!

I stretch lame hands of faith, and grope,
And gather dust and chaff and call
To what I feel is Lord of all,
And faintly trust the larger hope. Alfred Lord Tennyson

Whines and Wonders

It just seemed to be one of those days … a renovation project on the go. Scrape off (popcorn) stipple from a bathroom ceiling, and repaint, how bad IMG_5304could it be? Tough, I’d done this once before, and knew it would be messy. Who put stipple on ceilings anymore? That was something my parents did in the seventies, not when this eight year old bathroom came into existence. Someone’s pocketbook chose this style, of drop white bits on floor every time you throw a towel on shower rod, over the more trendy resilient knock-down finish. I didn’t get it. Whatever, my goal was to remove the texture and repaint the ceiling. And I had already done the dusty deed of removal, to find a poor tape finish underneath. My redecorating research IMG_5315produced ye old rag roll paint technique—I anticipated the project could become creative.
Cover mistakes with a coat of paint. (Visions of Old & New Testament prophets warning against white washed sepulchres came to mind.)
Make your flaws work for you.
If you can’t hide it decorate it
… various bits of wisdom that could be applied more easily than the paint, I came to realize.
My mother’s past words resurfaced: If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well.
I had been a rebel with that yardstick before, some things have to be done, and I’ve concluded that not everything is worth doing well. (Besides, how well is well? Perfectionism is over-rated.)
And this day had brought about it’s own disappointments … a friend’s heartache with love, my cappuccino machine stopped working, and news that another dear friend was quite ill … I had recently spent some excellent time with her. We’ve both drunk from the bitter cup run over with grief, and for her to now deal with major health issues seemed wrong in my books. And I am painting, and thinking of these two dear friends and the apparent unfairness of it all … I had picked blue and white for the bathroom colours, and somehow envisioned the vast prairie blue sky, and fluffy white clouds, that feel of things being right in the world … the blue was not deep enough, so I mixed a little dark in myself, only to have a stormy sky-ceiling. Next, the touch-up could have been my seven year old grand IMG_5015daughter’s work. Hmm …. Add more light blue … then dark blue … then white … roll off … dry paint on … step down from bathtub edge into paint tray … about five layers later … it looked not too bad … acceptable. Random symmetrical patterns are difficult to obtain … Does a sky with a perfect repetitive cloud pattern exist? No, the randomness would add.
After deciding the ceiling was okay, I searched for the sweet and salty pop-corn given me by the friend who’d been heavy on my mind, and thought of the popcorn prayers sent up for her throughout the day. The popcorn was nestled behind my red wines and as I reached for it, the bag caught the one full bottle and took it down … wine cracked onto floor, flowed and bubbled. Almost it was to laugh … the red liquid hurried under the fridge, 750 ml red wine lake on floor, kind of yeasty smelling. I threw one dish towel at it, and searched for an old beach towel.
Reminded self—don’t cry over spilled milk, this was a small issue, but one can whine a little over spilled Shiraz.

Well, at least this time my mother could be proud—I had done that one well, it was worth doing!

Disarmed by a Compliment

Disarmed by a Compliment
IMG_0016
The two dollar girl had a four dollar complaint about the service in the McDonald’s drive-through. It was so slow, it felt like my hair greyed faster than my order … I tried to maintain a positive outlook as the five cars ahead of me stood still, I had places to go.images
After ordering my creamed coffee and muffin, I turned the car off, opened my book, moved ahead, turned off, moved ahead, paid the $2, foot on brake, half page read.
Then I practised my lines as to how I could kindly let them know how slow the drive through was, and offer suggestions for improvements, as opposed to just grumbling about how ridiculously lead footed they were. Should I remind them of a former policy If it’s not ready in 2/3 minutes it’s free? As my car inched to the second window a paper bag and coffee shot out at me and the young lady smiled and said, “Nice short hair, it takes talent to do that.”
Complaints died on my tongue, I said thank-you, and sped away with a big grin on my face. And I marvelled at the young woman’s words, my guess was that she had something pleasant to say to each customer as they pulled through, especially those kept waiting.
IMG_5022And I was thankful as I reached the garden, first that I was kept from speaking my feeble complaint, shoes removed, for I felt I was on holy ground … I was given a second chance to be a better person than the grumps that wanted to burst forth. I have seen how bad it looks with complaints about poor service. (I know there is a legitimate time to complain—this was not it.)
Not only that, but for the past four years I have been quoting John Piper’s mentor, who told him to “ruthlessly eliminate hurry.” That day I was helped in eliminating hurry, it’s been a little tougher to eliminate impatience.

Sam Harris, an American neuroscientist, author, and philosopher, shares his concept of the present moment and why it matters to live in the now rather than wait for the “now” of the future. It’s worth the click!

http://www.wimp.com/alwaysnow/

Barefoot in Summer

“And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.” ― F. Scott FitzgeraldDSCN8181

When winter hangs long in the prairies, spring blips and barefoot season is upon us. I called my usually optimistic mother, on a day of sit outside on the deck weather. She agreed, and then added, “Before you know it we’ll have snow again.” We all need a little Mennonite in us to spit rain on a bright day.
Summertime therapy for the blues … go barefoot, plant flowers, get new sandals, eat ice-cream, wade in the water, spend as much time as possible outdoors, all without apology. I want to run on greener pastures, I want to dance on higher hills … that is a line from a song I heard this past week, and it has me dancing now, as I see the hills around me turn green. There is much beauty in this world and I want to keep my eyes open … After all as my mother says–Snow is around the corner.
Thinking of barefoot I dug out this poem from a year ago:

Cement Blocks Continue reading

Serendipity

ser·en·dip·i·ty serənˈdipitē/ noun
the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way. “a fortunate stroke of serendipity”

One of spring’s sure signs is this one: IMG_4692
The beauty of garage sales … one person’s junk is another’s treasure.
This past Saturday of the long weekend I thought it would be fun to drive into the country for the five miles north of town sale … I breathe deep as a hawk soars overhead, the Rocky Mountains look hazy in the west. The sunshine most welcome after being hidden for days.

“If we can fold this lounge chair back in the bag, I’ll take it” … I can envision myself at Two Jack Lake, book in hand, feet up.
The owner shows me the collapse trick while he tells me that he and his wife are197712_400273336692344_62719513_n moving to BC. He sells a young man a hammer and crowbar for $3. Throw in a $2 camp pot for me and everyone’s got a great deal.

Back in town, neighbourly kibitzing happens as three houses make this a multi-family garage sale.
At door number three, a young lady re-aquaints with the house-owner.
Are you still at the school?” Turns out she had been the well known, long term school secretary-now would probably be called the office manager. (I am reminded of a slighter version of the iconic Ms Janzen from my high school era)
“Oh no, I retired about five years ago” I didn’t want to interrupt the conversation, but I was curious as to what I was looking at. Either a large dog bed, kids mat?

Oversized pillow shams, in a brown faux suede that had come with a bedspread she bought. Couldn’t haggle with a one dollar price, I could use them as a throw in my car for an impromptu sit along the river …
I took one, and the other bargain hunter snatched the remaining two.
Then she spotted the real treasure.
“Are you still painting?”
“Not so much.”
“I’ll take that, it’s beautiful. It’s like I have a Mrs Kelly original.”
“Oh, just hang it in your furnace room”
Mrs Kelly says.
“Oh NO” … she pauses … “You see my mom died recently and she always loved IMG_3029flowers, this painting makes me think of her.” The painting was a bouquet of hydrangea flowers, in shades of pink. Mrs Kelly gets teary eyed. I feel a part of this moment, and add “That’s so nice, in a sense it’s like the sympathy flowers … I think she should sign it.” By now I discover that it is Peggy and Kari, I am talking to. Kari felt so fortunate to have found Mrs Kelly and the painting. They have a hug, and I think I’d like a hug too … and they comply. What a beautiful moment. I tell them I will mention them in my blog … Kari wants to know what the blog is about, I say it is about grieving. After unloading at my car, I return to see if I could get a picture of the painting .. and Kari was gone … “Only for a moment and the moment’s gone.”
My vehicle is full enough and it’s time to head home…
Aah, the joy of serendipitous moments. I hope my eyes can stay open to them.

(Note the painting inserted is another serendipitous moment/story, the artist is Tyrell Clark)

Mamma said …

IMG_4581Mama said there’d be days like this ….

The flowers I bought myself smile to me. The mountains observe in silence.
And I ponder what means to be a mother. There is no one portrait that describes what we desire from a mother, or what we hope to be as a mother. Both perspectives are different, and on both counts disappointment has been experienced. For most of us there is still a deep connection to the one who birthed us, and to those we have birthed, no matter their age or location.
Today I think of the many women, who’s role does not fit that fictitious angel mother persona.

The word Mother evokes a lot of responses.IMG_3420

Three years ago I stood beside a father, as we waited for an ambulance to arrive for his drugged, semi-comatose daughter.
“She’s completely Motherless,” he said.
What is it to be a mother?
To stand by, to love. To have pieces of one’s heart beating outside one’s own body.

And then I think of God … Like a mother hen, who longs to gather up the children …
Let the little children come to me
We are all little at times,
in need a mother’s hug.

I could weep, but I can also rejoice.
Hug a Mom today!

Here’s a great little video on what it would be like to be interviewed for the most important job in the world.


And here’s a link on what mothers aged 100+ have to say:
http://wp.me/p47Ltb-Cp

Missing Magic 29

Magic Twenty-Nine

Twenty-nine on the 29th IMG_4216
As hard as I try to make it palatable
The magic is missing for me.
Ten birthday cakes I could not make …
She may be having heavenly tea
Alongside Angel food cake with berries
Small comfort this day.
I see her as she was in the old photos
I remember her Little Mermaid birthday cake
Her shy smile, or vivacious big grin
She never knew her true beauty
I remember her as she sang in church,
Slight hands cupped upward
face glowing
I knew she was connecting to Heaven.
I miss her when the tulip tips poke through the soft April earth
She shared the gardener’s heart.
I miss her every Christmas,
Her CD brings me to tears
As (Hark) the Herald Angels sing to me her gift of Love.
I miss her when I see the three lovely ones
who never got to meet their precious auntie.
I miss the beauty and life she brought to the room by just being present.
And I always wonder?
And I think I will wonder that till the day I die.
DSCN7439But for this day
I choose again to remember her beauty
To remember her “gift of poverty”
Her ability to connect with those on the social edges
She loved life, and the author of it.
I choose to be grateful that I was blessed to have a daughter as lovely as her.

I always thought spring was a wonderful time to have babies, new life, new hope.
And for this day, I choose Hope.
IMG_4436
Happy Birthday Precious girl!

Two website on Hope in the grieving:
http://www.griefhaven.org/memory.html
http://www.opentohope.com/death-of-a-child/

Hope Springs a Leak

IMG_2833Is Hope more than wishful thinking? … more than the carrot dangled? … waiting for spring to arrive after the long winter?
The dictionary defines hope as: the state which promotes the desire of positive outcomes related to events and circumstances in one’s life or in the world at large.
The news on the TV screen at the Winnipeg airport, while waiting for my flight to Calgary explodes with the story of five young people stabbed to death at an end of term university party. Shock, disbelief!IMG_4352
The city of Calgary’s worst mass murder ever.
The grey clouds of mourning have hung over the news, the city and the skies. One more tragic read for the masses, but a lifetime of dashed hopes for the families and close friends of the five.
Where are the spring flowers for this situation? Delayed, due to an extension of winter.
Feeling along with the heaviness of the loss of a child, the clock radio woke me to a strange mixture of music. In the one ear I could hear the Third Day song Nothing Compares, and just below that a rap artist was going on about the strife, misery and hate that seems a frequent topic of rap. The mixture confused me, momentarily as I had not knowingly set my alarm. Then as I recognized the first song, I thought it was brilliant—the words of hope, of the greater good written/sung over top the disappointment in life. And then I realized it was a tuning problem … I was on the airwave border of two radio stations that were competing to outshout each other. What an image of what is happening every day. Listen to the news at night and we can get the overwhelming sense of despair … watch the National Geographic or Discovery channel and I sense awe as I view the incredible beauty and strength of whales breaching in the ocean, or time lapse photography of flowers unfolding.
Simone Weil has said that there are two things that pierce the heart, beauty and affliction(sorrow). Restated as moments we wish would last forever, and those we wish had never begun.

IMG_2836This is the Easter weekend, and this is the ultimate story of the resurrection of hope over the sorrow of death.
The promise of new life erupting after the long winter.
May it be so for the families in sorrow.
I am waiting for these crocuses to return.

Link to the Third Day song that played … I didn’t recognize the rap song, so cannot give you that link—you get to play it over your own selection of disappointment.